Life is anything but easy, but for some it is more than a challenge, its life or death. My life in particular was rough, I am not going to lie, there were more downs than there were ups. My mother was addicted to one drug after another and we moved often. It was not until I was in junior high school that things started getting better. I began going to church (after all it was the people in the church that kept me going up to this juncture) in Reynoldburg. I went alone and spent all the time there that I could. I attended camp, Acteens (even sat on the state's Acteen Panel for 3 years), volunteered at the Stowe Center and more. Things were good. But there were things that were missing in my life that I felt that I could not live without, love.
I would go to the services and see all the other youth my age and I was very envious of them. I was friends with them and some of us were close for a long time, but I could not see that I was on a crash course with life and that very soon, I would be left ALONE and trying to figure life out for myself. A few of the families tried including me in some of their activities and I remember that it was nice to be included. The Oates' and The Clouds were always nice to me. As were several people that did not have youth my age.
When I was growing up there was this boy, named Jason. Jason's parents (also addicted to drugs and alcohol) knew my mother and we were unseperable from the time I was 8 until maybe 12ish until we moved to Reynoldsburg. He was "my boyfriend". I was sure that he was the one that was to be my soul mate the one that God had intended for me; afterall, he knew me best. I went to Oklahoma for the wedding of his twin brother and it was there that he told me all the things that I needed to hear. That his life was not the same without me. Needless to say, I came home pregnant.
I was afraid. I did not know what to do. I had been accepted to Bowling Green State University and had every intentions of going, but even I knew that I would not be going. I told some people about my delimma and of course everybody, including Christians like a good juicy story, and all of a sudden everybody knew. I found out I was pregnant a month before graduating high school. Pamela Barlow was a person that up until that point had acted like a mother to me. We spent Saturday afternoons together. I even chose to have graduation dinner with her instead of my totally jacked family. It was there that the relationship that we DID have changed. During dinner she told me of this nice family in the church that wanted to have a baby and she thought that it was a good idea to give the baby to them. I think I was hurt, because she thought that I was incapable of taking care of a child. Needless to say I said no. After that she had very little to do with me. That hurt more than words in this blog could say. There were some people in the church that I felt were supportive. The Rausch's have always been supportive of me even though I am human and made some bad choices. Pam Oates and Carolyn Primm has too. Ginny Bennett is great. And there are others. The Clouds had me over one more time after I got pregnant, I think they thought that their daughter may catch what I had and I don't remember going over any more after that.
I graduated high school. Lost all of my friend's including the ones from church. And here I was with a baby. After I delivered this little baby boy, Pastor John came to see me and it wasn't to ask me to give my baby away, just to check to see how I was doing. Thanks. Pam Oates did
too. And much to my suprise so did Pamela Barlow. It was one of the last visits I would have with her. But after that I went home with my baby and was alone. I chose not to tell Jason of his child because since getting pregnant he was into drugs and did not want the baby so I thought it was best to exclude him. I tried going to church after Dylan was born. I couldn't take the stares and the whispers behind my back. Little did I know that the woman I sat beside and thought loved me, was probably the worst one. I know that having premarital sex was wrong. And so I did ask for God's forgiveness and I went before the church and asked for forgivness, but I truely believe true forgiviness didn't happen.
I did eventually tell Jason about the baby. I felt guilty not only for making him miss out on the birth of his first child but for denying my child his father. I thought that I could change him and that he loved me enough to change, but I was wrong. I found that out a second child too late. Madison was born and I realized that he was not changing and that instead of working he was skipping work and frequenting the local bars. I threw him out after I came home one night and found that the door to my third floor apartment open and my seven month old child was crawling freely on the floor. Now if that makes me a bad person so be it, but he didn't care about the welfare of his child so he had to go.
So now I lost the man I thought was right for me, the father of my children and I had NO real friends. Man wasn't I everything but depressed. NOT. The the worst was not over. My grandfather died of cancer. Paster John was the only one, again that was supportive of me through his death. I was crushed. Then my grandmother died. The fun times just kept on rolling. But unknown to me, there was a light at the end of my tunnel. I attended services very speradically and one service we were told that Christy Lewis was not doing well and that she may pass away (ok not super woman). So I took my little girl and went to visit. We chatted and spoke of her children and I asked about Carl. I gave Christy my number and left. Needless to say Carl called and we have been together ever since.
We have a child together, Zachary. While visiting home on leave from the military, we heard that there was a rumor circulating that the baby was not Carl's. You know, this hurt too because 1) I was not promiscuous by any means. 2) why would somebody say such a thing about me and not know that for a fact. I asked several people that I trust and they say that they did not hear the rumor but the person who told me about the rumor is a reliable source.
We currently do not go to church anywhere. I think that SOME of the people in the church are impostors! They only pretend to have compassion and love for all people. At least that is what they preach. There are some very nice non-impostor families that attend church there but the few ruin it for the rest. I have not lost faith in God, just the people who go to church there.
I am hurt. I made a mistake. I am sorry for some of the decisions that I have made in my life, but I am not sorry that I kept my child. I am a good mother, ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you it is true. I work hard to support them. I try to instill in them the values that I didn't get growing up. I want them to know that they need to wait until they get married to have sex.
I remember a sermon the Pastor Steve gave about unconditional love and that there are no exceptions. Funny how that turns out huh! The youth that I envied so much still attend church there and are accepted and loved and I am where I started, outside looking in!
I would go to the services and see all the other youth my age and I was very envious of them. I was friends with them and some of us were close for a long time, but I could not see that I was on a crash course with life and that very soon, I would be left ALONE and trying to figure life out for myself. A few of the families tried including me in some of their activities and I remember that it was nice to be included. The Oates' and The Clouds were always nice to me. As were several people that did not have youth my age.
When I was growing up there was this boy, named Jason. Jason's parents (also addicted to drugs and alcohol) knew my mother and we were unseperable from the time I was 8 until maybe 12ish until we moved to Reynoldsburg. He was "my boyfriend". I was sure that he was the one that was to be my soul mate the one that God had intended for me; afterall, he knew me best. I went to Oklahoma for the wedding of his twin brother and it was there that he told me all the things that I needed to hear. That his life was not the same without me. Needless to say, I came home pregnant.
I was afraid. I did not know what to do. I had been accepted to Bowling Green State University and had every intentions of going, but even I knew that I would not be going. I told some people about my delimma and of course everybody, including Christians like a good juicy story, and all of a sudden everybody knew. I found out I was pregnant a month before graduating high school. Pamela Barlow was a person that up until that point had acted like a mother to me. We spent Saturday afternoons together. I even chose to have graduation dinner with her instead of my totally jacked family. It was there that the relationship that we DID have changed. During dinner she told me of this nice family in the church that wanted to have a baby and she thought that it was a good idea to give the baby to them. I think I was hurt, because she thought that I was incapable of taking care of a child. Needless to say I said no. After that she had very little to do with me. That hurt more than words in this blog could say. There were some people in the church that I felt were supportive. The Rausch's have always been supportive of me even though I am human and made some bad choices. Pam Oates and Carolyn Primm has too. Ginny Bennett is great. And there are others. The Clouds had me over one more time after I got pregnant, I think they thought that their daughter may catch what I had and I don't remember going over any more after that.
I graduated high school. Lost all of my friend's including the ones from church. And here I was with a baby. After I delivered this little baby boy, Pastor John came to see me and it wasn't to ask me to give my baby away, just to check to see how I was doing. Thanks. Pam Oates did
too. And much to my suprise so did Pamela Barlow. It was one of the last visits I would have with her. But after that I went home with my baby and was alone. I chose not to tell Jason of his child because since getting pregnant he was into drugs and did not want the baby so I thought it was best to exclude him. I tried going to church after Dylan was born. I couldn't take the stares and the whispers behind my back. Little did I know that the woman I sat beside and thought loved me, was probably the worst one. I know that having premarital sex was wrong. And so I did ask for God's forgiveness and I went before the church and asked for forgivness, but I truely believe true forgiviness didn't happen.I did eventually tell Jason about the baby. I felt guilty not only for making him miss out on the birth of his first child but for denying my child his father. I thought that I could change him and that he loved me enough to change, but I was wrong. I found that out a second child too late. Madison was born and I realized that he was not changing and that instead of working he was skipping work and frequenting the local bars. I threw him out after I came home one night and found that the door to my third floor apartment open and my seven month old child was crawling freely on the floor. Now if that makes me a bad person so be it, but he didn't care about the welfare of his child so he had to go.
So now I lost the man I thought was right for me, the father of my children and I had NO real friends. Man wasn't I everything but depressed. NOT. The the worst was not over. My grandfather died of cancer. Paster John was the only one, again that was supportive of me through his death. I was crushed. Then my grandmother died. The fun times just kept on rolling. But unknown to me, there was a light at the end of my tunnel. I attended services very speradically and one service we were told that Christy Lewis was not doing well and that she may pass away (ok not super woman). So I took my little girl and went to visit. We chatted and spoke of her children and I asked about Carl. I gave Christy my number and left. Needless to say Carl called and we have been together ever since.
We have a child together, Zachary. While visiting home on leave from the military, we heard that there was a rumor circulating that the baby was not Carl's. You know, this hurt too because 1) I was not promiscuous by any means. 2) why would somebody say such a thing about me and not know that for a fact. I asked several people that I trust and they say that they did not hear the rumor but the person who told me about the rumor is a reliable source.
We currently do not go to church anywhere. I think that SOME of the people in the church are impostors! They only pretend to have compassion and love for all people. At least that is what they preach. There are some very nice non-impostor families that attend church there but the few ruin it for the rest. I have not lost faith in God, just the people who go to church there.
I am hurt. I made a mistake. I am sorry for some of the decisions that I have made in my life, but I am not sorry that I kept my child. I am a good mother, ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you it is true. I work hard to support them. I try to instill in them the values that I didn't get growing up. I want them to know that they need to wait until they get married to have sex.
I remember a sermon the Pastor Steve gave about unconditional love and that there are no exceptions. Funny how that turns out huh! The youth that I envied so much still attend church there and are accepted and loved and I am where I started, outside looking in!
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